Things That Goes Bump - 2004

I'm not adding these to fill the space. I reckon as old as they are, these writings were rather well-thought of reflections. I can still relate to them now and I see them as reminders. Enjoy.

"You Are Riding a Horse in Unfamiliar, Beautiful Terrain.
You were told that you would have to jump a tall stone fence (a substantial obstacle or big-deal project) five miles down the road (later in life). Distracted by the scenery (life) you forget about the fence, until it looms suddenly in front of you. You don't feel ready to jump (take a risk). You cannot imagine going over that fence and surviving! This is a big stretch for you! Yet, it symbolizes something you want to do, so you feel conflicted (fear vs. wanting). Perhaps you momentarily panic or try to stop. However, the horse (your inner power) has been trained to jump and before you can pull on the reigns, you find yourself flying through the air. The horse is doing it for you. You land perfectly. The horse is fine and so are you--but you feel Shaky."
[courtesy of astrologyzone.com/forecasts/eclipse.html]

Things That Goes Bump
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I Used To Be Afraid of the Dark. But I discovered the science of light. I was afraid of driving. But I learnt the mechanics of pedal pushing and gear shifting. I am now a road tyrant. The art of fear is never about an object or a person or a place. Fear is a psychological temperament that we fool ourselves about, or rather, I, fool myself.

And I don’t take that sort of nonsense (fear) easily. Life is far too short to be feared. So the one great fear I have would be myself. Yes, the same person who warrants fear is the same person that is typing this.

Me: the only person who can tell me what I can and cannot do.

I would float my way to North Pole on an iceberg. I would fall in love with the man that I have always wanted to say ‘hello’ to. I would jump into a pool in a pink florescent bikini. But me – the very thing I fear of – tells me I cannot. So I sit and wished I could. Did I tell you I was the first person who invented the roller coaster? No, really. No kidding. I have all the blueprints up here (points to head). I have a sit in it every now and then. My invention is better than any (of which I shall not name). It swings through the whole grill of emotions: pain, misery, anger and self-pity.

Self-inflicted heart attack would make quite a medical discovery.

I like to think I become uncomfortable when I am comfortable in life. I hit panic when I realized that these days, I am settling for discomfort. Fear grips me in the gut, my instinct tells me to make a run for it, and my blood is rushing so fast to my brain I cannot steady myself. When I see myself succumbing to complacency, I feel like I’m watching my soul wither.

GREAT FEAR #1: Not living life to the fullest.
Settling is not my idea of a good life. No, I do not want to want to graduate from university so that I could find a job, pay the taxpayer, meet a man, borne his babies, wash his skit marks, feed his children, have my heart broken because that bastard found a new (younger) sex buddy while I die in an alien foreign place without ever having my dreams realized. I have that fear, of dying without a name, a face, or even as a mere whisper. I do not want to live without living. Breathe without breathing. Think without thinking.

My greatest fear would be living less. Having no freedom to be a person or the power to think, speak or, develop as an individual is like snuffing the light out of a burning candle. It is easy to believe life as a birdcage. A gilded aviary of beautiful birds with dazzling feathers. Hmm… perfect. Not only do we have no place to fly (what’s the point of having wings?), we’re also birdbrains.

GREAT FEAR #2: To live without loving.
It comes as simple as reaching out to another living person and enriching it for an unknown better. Imagine that having born with a brain, movable parts and sensory devices, how much good we can all do. But how we seldom do good. We do the selfish. We avoid the beggar. We snub the garbage men. We curse the DBKL workers. We ignore, we dispense, we avoid, we turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to cries of help. My second to greatest fear is to be yet another drone in this beautiful, enchanting world. No matter how charming, a person without compassion is like someone without a soul. The person next to me is as human as I am, how hard is it to show a little kindness?

Apparently, I fear all these without knowing why. I just know that someday when I wake up from bed, I want to recognize that face that looks into the mirror. I want to be able to say: "Hullo! You’re a free spirit! Isn't that a beautiful thing?" I do not plan to be bounded by society; blinded by money or fame; afraid because the little voice in me says it is impossible. I want to have the freedom to go wherever I wish to go. Not fearing whats, hows, whens, wheres, whos. The question is not what I fear, or who I fear. It’s merely an internal twister that blocks me from achieving what I truly feel I’m capable of. We are all born for greatness. The only person we need to prove to sometimes is ourselves.